realized today i am the king of nothing, all is shit. it all must be fixed. there is no magic hole can jump through. dont left life flash before your eyes just so quickly. dont let it hang on the experiences of others. dont let it be valued by things you experienced, but you didn't do yourself. all cant fixed, all cant be right again anymore. all cant be simply ignored and approached with a smile when the new sun rises, just because its indifferent doesn't mean everyone else under it's gaze will be. real answers must be found, real answers must be known. brown veins are not strength, just weak man's answers to their own excuses.

i get to see radiohead this week, nothing like 2nd hand redmeption spiritual redemption

so its been a while, pc broke down and just got fixed. starting to see cracks in the armor. working retail is one of the most interesting opprotunities to examine people, its never short of entertaining thrills. I love how people freak out in their own personal ways when I check a $20 bill. or when people randomly walk away in the middle of being checked out or waiting to sign their reciept, or take 5 minutes to realize they actually need to sign when using a credit card. then theres the people who ask the most assanine of questions. now, lets exmamine this for a second. the store is a wine and liquor store, much more on the wine side. but I've been asked if we stock...ice, regular (bottled) water, olive oil, chapstick, and cigarettes. now granted, sure these things in theory could sell well in a whie shop, since they are some of the staples of modern living, but lets think about this critically for a second. where in "Wine & Liquor Company" does it at all imply any of these said things? I've come to learn I enjoy the struggle of wanting something more then actually having it. the necessity of having a void to fill is so much more fulfilling then knowing whats it like to actually have that void filled. in love with the idea of loving something, as opposed to actually loving it. cant wait for pearl jam and my morning jacket. been listening to a lot of MMJ lately, especially At Dawn. such brilliant stuff, cant wait, I think I'm almost more excited to see them then pearl jam. and yes...its happening again...Black Crowes in july. dont even need to say a thing, just looking forward to it. contemplating buying a 2nd hand radiohead ticket. so badly want to see them in a tiny venue testing out new material, but its going to cost about $200, and i dont know if at this point and time i can justify doing that, but we'll see. i haven't taken any vacations, so maybe I can convince myself thats essentially a vacation?

last few days have been nutty, spring break....yeah, more importantly, robinson bros on saturday night....AMAZING, those 2 nights were just too much, not worth trying to write about. today at work some kids were trying to buy vodka with a fake ID, I had a huge moral battle with myself when it happened. shit, i was once that age, i was once that poor scared kid who had the story so well checked out in their head, only to have it squashed by some asshole who plain DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. on the one hand I felt like an ass, but I was just doing my job. if the ID honestly fooled me, shit ok it happens, but if I am much more sure its fake then I am its real, well then I'm not doing my job. I figured for karma, the 18 year old version of me was gonna track me down and try to kick my ass, oh well.
rangers fell apart at the end of the season to end up in the 6th seed. if they can get their shit in order they'll be fine, its all mental. watched sportsdesk tonight and they all seemed to be in good spirits, if they can get a split in jersey they'll be ok I think.

I haven't had to work since tuesday and its thrown off my schedule, gonna be a lean week in pay and that sucks since I've finally had time to spend money, plus $60 this week from having a doctors appointment and getting perscriptions filled. went to the robinson bros show tonight, which was at Rose Hall which is at the huge supershigamajig building thingy on columbus circle. this thing is a goddam crazy thing of construction, it was being built while I was going to beacon so i saw the progress daily, and I've been by it a few times since it was done, but this was the first time I've been inside...the building contains a mall, hotel, offices, deluxe apartments, a jazz club, 4-5 restaurants, and a concert hall. Rose Hall is gorgeous, amazing concert hall, glad the bros picked it to play and I hope I get to see something there again in the future. great accoustics and atmosphere. we were only 4 rows deep and had an amazing view, got to really watch them play. Sven joined them playing bass for a few songs. simply amazing, refuse to write anymore cause I dont feel like trying to wrap my head around one of the coolest music things I've seen. work in the morning, and robinson bros...again =)

today is only wednesday, but it feels like thursday and friday mashed together and melted with cheese. today I remember why going into music stores is dangerous. I go to meet jay at the virgin mega store at union square. I decided I hadn't bought any cd's in a long time, and i've been working so shit i need to buy music, and was gonna buy clouds taste metallic. well...virgin was doing a $10 dvd section...so i leave with half baked, blazing saddles, and office space "with more flare" edition..and not the cd, exhausted.

mondays should always be this smooth. I'm quitting the foreplay and getting right down to the nitty gritty. MY RANGERS PLAYOFF TICKETS CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY!!!! I got home from class, and was anxiously waiting, went to the post office (we'll get back to that soon), no package when i got back. went to work, got home, a nice fedex package was waiting for me. I open it up to see a blue folder with the rangers logo and it says "2006 stanley cup playoffs" underneath, I open...THE THING STARTS PLAYING THE RANGERS GOAL SONG!!! the tickets look amazing. more importantly, its just friggin awesome. I've been a big rangers fan for a long time, and thats one of the parts of my being that always remained no matter what other parts have been switched and upgraded for the next year's model. its hard to be a hockey fan, its not easy to be a big fan of one of the biggest jokes in all of sports. for years when the rangers were the worse they had ever been in their entire history, I was still going to games and rooting even when they'd be down 3-0 before the first period ended. part of that I became a nut and have and still do spend a lot of time reading about rangers prospects, and tried to learn about any possuble bright spots in the rangers future. so we (me and telling my dad) that things should be looking up soon, figured 2-3 years, so it would be a good time to buy in for season tix...well this season...I dont need to say a thing. to see it all full circle, to be going to the first rangers playoff games in 8 years...yeah...little slice of heaven.

in other news, last week I wore my "Demon Days Live" t-shirt to work one day. I was ringing up someone's stuff and he asked me if i went to the show. I said I went to the sunday show and he said he went to the monday show, we talk about them and he says monday was better cause the projection screen was working, as opposed to sunday...I had to run to take a delivery, the guy walks out of the store, comes back in and hands me a business card...turns out he works for virgin records, the label which Gorillaz are under...he's sending me a gorillaz care package, cant wait. I fucking hate the post office, but I'm full of smiles, gonna listen to my tix one more time then go to bed.

as i was showering tonight I was thinking, it seems likes parents always have some sort of documentation...photos, videos, infared printouts, of cool stuff their kids did when they were young. when I was in 1st grade (9-10 years old?) I was on sesame street, you heard me, SESAME STREET like with big bird and the crew. why dont my folks have a tape of that?

in the span of 24 hours i went from being told i looked so angry i was gonna kill someone, to being asked if i was in the lord of the rings...essentially being told i look like a hobbit. I think I might buy some cd's this week...ROBINSON BROS SHOWS THIS WEEK YES!!!

too stressed out right now. feel like i've been doing so much stuff but getting absolutely nothing done, just spinning my wheels. I have a first draft for a paper due friday. I've legitimately been way too busy to give it as much digesting as it needed so I need to type the whole thing tomorrow. its only 6 pages though, and usually once i get a paper rolling I'm pretty good at churning out some good work. if I'm committed (which I have to be) to working on it and doing nothing else after i get home from class in the morning, I think I can have 3-4 pages done before I need to go to work. which will put me in decent shape to finish it afterwards. sooooo....rangers beat philly lastnight, and clinched their first playoff berth in 8 years. the garden was nuts and I still cant believe it. weekes made some incredible saves and just played great. more importantly they now have a 3 point lead on philly for the division with 7 games left. woke up this morning and it was friggin snowing. I was joking and saying hell must have frozen over cause the rangers are finally back in the playoffs.

yesterday was probably the most fun I've had at work so far. simply had a good groove going and really comfortable. early in the morning it was only david (the owner/my boss), jason, and myself. some couple comes in, a loser guy and this amazing hot woman with a killer body, who also happens to be wearing a small polo shirt with no bra. she has a killer accent and was just gorgeous. like 5 minutes after they leave my david mentions to me how incredibly hot she is and i brake out laughing. anyway, it was a good day, 11 hours was long and i was too tired when i got home and almost immediately passed out on the sofa. I then woke up at like 5:00 in the morning and felt all grimey about it. today work was nothing exceptional, 2 painless hours....

THEN.... tonight I got to see Gorillaz "Demon Days Live"!!!!!! for starters, today I was in pure "duuuuuuh" mode when it comes to women. I was waiting at 34th street for the D train. it pulls up, and this abosultely gorgeous blonde walks out. lately I've been making an attempt to keep clear of the subway doors until people get off, then walk on, to not be one of those rude people. anyway, this woman was the only person walking out the door i was about to walk in. I just stood on the platform completly dumb founded by here until she walked past me, then I woke up and got on the subway. likewise, at the apollo theatre, which I'd never been to and is a beautiful theatre, there was this amazingly hot usher on the balcony where I was sitting. everytime she walked by I kept looking at her. BUT ONTO THE SHOW!!! they were delated because a video screen was not working and they were trying to get it fixed before showtime, but honestly I'm glad that happened. the show started with a VIP booth converted into a puppet, and puppets of 2D and Murdoc talking about the show, getting to the US, banging woman, and general life as a puppet. the curtain goes up and the stage is FILLED, the first thing I notice, having seen Gorillaz when they toured in 2002, is the lack of a screen to hide the band. anyway the stage is filled. the back is the band, I wont refer to them by name because the way they presented themselves was not as the cartoon characters, and with the exception of albarn, i have no idea who the band is actually made of. anyway the stage has the band which is albarn at the piano, bass player, drummer, and guitar player...added to that there was...another guitar player, a percussionist, a DJ, 5 back up singers, a keyboard player, and like a 12-person string section. the intro track rolls, and EVERYTHING else is being played live. they had a kid's choir for one song, De La Soul came out for one song, they had an adults choir for a few songs, and EVERYONE who was part of the album. simply, Demon Days was being performed just as it was recorded. I give them credit on a lot of different levels for this. firstly, to simply pull off this show, and the run of 5 at the apollo which this was the first, is impressive. secondly, it shows a much more level of seriousness and dedication to preserve how the record was made, and perform it as such as opposed to relying on a lot of recorded audio tracks to make a much easier show to travel around. thirdly, for a band that was based on being a band that played the game of pop music popularity to perfection, this showed a suprising level of sophistication. and having the band be shown, not their usual cartoon counterparts was another cool way to toy with that concept. most importantly, it sounded freaking awesome. I was impressed that the album translated so well live, even with all the components present, it needs to be done well to sound well. everything was amazing and i was really impressed and suprised with the seriousness the band took to present the album artisticly. to add to that, though as the show began it suprised me less, was they played nothing from the first album. this could upset me, but this is the current creation of the band. they wanted to present Demon Days in its entirity live, and they did. as cool as it would have been to come back with a 2nd set of stuff from the first album, I dont think it would have worked well. anyway, awesome stuff, much different from what I was expecting and so much cooler. I hope albarn keeps this project going and they keep making good music. now for a late dinner and sleep hah!

whirlwind of a friday. had lunch in prospect park and played frisbee, then had to go to class. when my teacher remarked at the awesome weather i made note of my displeasure of being in class cause playing frisbee was so much more fun. on the way to work ran into someone from my language and politics class, who lives like around the corner from me. work is going well, its a bitch when like 5 things need to be done at one time and though its a team working enviorment, I instinctivly insist on burdening the load, but its part of learning to ask for help, just like anything else. went to jay and chad and john's for john's bday party. its kind of funny, how I without giving it much conscious thought, hang out more with and associate better with an older crowd. I spend a decent part of the evening talking with some girl who makes fun of the notebook i carry in my pocket. I in turn, make fun of her blackberry. in the course of the conversation and beers I crack about "Crackberry" and name my notebook just that in turn. I got a referel for a guy who apparently does wonders for "jew white boy" hair, and cuts the hair of someone from Kings Of Leon. I reminiss (I butched that word) with jay for a bit about the week last year which now stands as one of the more influential in my life. the spiritual baptism coming from the black crowes. it was some opening of spirituality of the connection between people and life and goodness, with no real ties to religion. can I explain it? not really. if I could, would you really care anyway? its ultimately no bigger then people and music, but its also SO MUCH BIGGER. I cant explain it. you need to live it to understand it. but I confess my complete addiction to live crowes, and the feeling is understood. a crowes road trip is somewhat in the process of being planned. I need to buy the Sho'Nuff box set (first 4 crowes albums), sure I have copies of them all, but I need legiy copies, its so much more fulfilling. rest is needed, I more or less volunteered to work in the morning, so i need to get to bed early to wake up early.

apparently I could only go 1 month. I'm constantly exhausted all the time now, its only tuesday and at many different points of the day I was near passed out. granted, I was at my first rangers game in three weeks lastnight, and the celebrating afterwards, but still, I was exhausted. today at work I was sent on a spy mission, to see how much a near by liquor store was selling something for. I thought it was hysterical...anyway, on the way back i stop off at a coffee shop and get myself an iced cappucino cause I was dead on my feet. now, having been a consistent soda drinker, I'd been used to a steady stable flow of caffeine. so i dont drink coffee regularly, and had been caffeine free for about a month. after having my cup full o'fun I was way more concentrated then jittery, kinda what I imagine ritalin must be like. more importantly...lastnight was finally back at MSG to see my team in action. lastnight in discussion it was decided when the rangers hustle, they can pretty much beat anyone, its all a matter of turning on that switch. the last 10 minutes of the 1st period they turned it on and took a 2-1 lead on the sabres. 2nd period they went on vacation and were down 4-2. at the start of the 3rd weekes was pulled and lundqvist was put in for the relief appearance. the crowd was cheering, in much support of the move, since they were all cheering for lundqvist during the 2nd period. I didn't think that was fair to weekes, because the team was playing like crap in front of him, and not helping him out. also, the rangers are no longer the best kept secret in nyc. they're growing in pupularity and your fairweather fan wants to see lundqvist play. and ultimately, in a case where your team simply needs a wakeup call, changing the goalie tends to do that. anyway...for starters, lunqvist was SHARP in the 3rd, making some amazing saves, giving the rangers the spark they needed to tie the game 4-4. along the way, Jagr picked up a goal and an assist to tie Adam Graves for most rangers goals scored in a season (52), and Jean Ratelle for most points by a ranger in a season (109). was awesome to see a bit of history, building went nuts and cheering "MVP" for Jagr, who is the clear favorite now I think. anyway...game went to a shootout, which the rangers won 1-0 on a Sykora goal...rangers are back on top in the atlantic AND the flyers lost tonight. playoffs are soooooo close I cant wait.

on another note, I've always believed and told myself the fact that I'm a good person. today I was thinking about decisions I made when I was younger, and I was a real idiot, and real selfish about things. a few things which I totally believed in at the time, and to a point conceptually I still agree with them, but they were probably wrong. so I'm willing to believe my luck, and lack there of with relationships is simply a karmadic (I made that word up I think) response in the big ball of yarn that keeps us all together. live, learn, move on.

today at work some girl was paying for a bottle of wine, and she piled her coins in size order on the counter with a sense of pride. I randomly called her an angel, she laughed and her boyfriend just repeated the phrase...yeah, I suck lol. I'm tired and trying to hard to sound good writing now, and i dont know why....so, I'm gonna leave lol. rangers game tomorrow night. I've missed the last 4 home games, which sucks. yeah yeah yeah, I'm a hockey junky, and getting rangers season tix has spoiled me rotten. out of 41 total home games, I've probably been to roughly 30 give or take, so i cant complain. but missing 4 in a row has broken my awesome routine. should be a good one, buffalo is a very likely first round matchup, and we're 3 points back of them for the #4 spot and home ice for the first round. cant wait. night.

I'm no longer sure which is which, and if it really matters in the big scheme of things anyway. so i didn't take my headphones to send them away yet, I'm waiting until I get paid so i have more "pocket" cash, since right now I'm attempting to not take out money i deposit unless i absolutely have to. sadly, the headphone repair is not a dire emergency. on the way to work i really, really, REALLY needed to hear some tunes on my commute, so i break down and use those evil white earbuds that came with my ipod. this infuriates me on so many different levels. first, I love having an ipod, but I dont need eveyone to know I own one, and those damm things are as plain a giveaway as there can be. I remember when my first ipod got stolen, and i was messing around on a radiohead forum in attempts to recover a bootleg of what at the time was arguably the best concert I'd ever seen (yes that list will come one day when I feel like writing a lot). and I remember some guy saying "well did you have those dumb white earbuds, its a dead giveaway". secondly, they're really uncomfortable. jabbing hard plastic into my ears is really annoying and painful and just not comfortable. thirdly, as I learned when I tried to learn a bit more about headphones (which lead me to my beloved Portapros) headphones need to be broken in. when first used, they wont have the same depth and range as a pair thats been used for months. being that it was the first time I used these, and compared to my Portapros which I've been using for roughly two years, they sounded like shit. their was no depth or feeling in the sound, it really sucked, and the bass was downright awful. I'm not sure if I'm going to bother using them until I get my Portapros fixed, not sure if its worth the abuse just go hear music on the go. work was ok. I really like it, except one of the guys I work with I just dont get along with. it seems like hes always moody and or sad about something, and anything time I try to talk to him it seems like either he thinks I'm an idiot or wasting his time. at this point I'm sure I cant win so its not worth trying. I bought a bottle of dulce de leche liqeuer and its amazing, must savor it and make it last. I found a buyer for my extra set of gorillaz tix, which is a huge load off my sholders. was in a weird head for a bit at work, did a bit of writing (the mini-pad is friggin CLUTH!). this is like a rough rough rough draft because I didn't even finish it, I think, unless I finish it now or decide it doesn't need anything else (for a first draft)

sometimes the right is wrong
and sometimes the wrong is right
ultimately it doesn't matter
if i know where each belongs
because truth and reason
lose all meaning once you take them
out of practice to make them
part of the process
watercoloring in shades of grey
makes finality just another point of view
another uncertainty we convince ourselves we know
for the comfort only false resolutions can bring

made today so much harded then it needed to be by allowing myself to get really stressed out. was reading part of my sociology book on the subway and was reading a part about people climbing social tiers and i almost flipped out. feeling more welcome at work, and can be more of myself. feeling healthy, got a new haircut, have gone back to doing my own cooking (mostly) and i STILL have not had a soda. one amendment to that though, having a soda in a mixed thingy such as whiskey or rum and coke, or an ice cream float does no apply. today at work i was told that there was a study that said people who drink soda 1-2 times a day, then quit soda for a year lost 15 pounds. not my goal, but thats not bad either. checked the Koss website today, since my headphones are finally at the end of their rope. all i need to do is send the headphones to milwaukee with a $6 money order and a note on whats broken and they'll fix them for me. thank god, cause I love those headphones but I'd hate to have to drop $50 on a new pair. probably going to go ipod'less as a result for a few weeks, because i hate those annyoing uncomfortable dumb white earbuds, and i'm not going to buy a new pair of headphones when i know i wont need them in a few weeks anyway.

working an 11 hour shift is insane. my new favorite toy is the tiny notebook i carry to collect the peices of my thoughts i can not contain long enough to make any sense of them. I have no great answers but sometimes being to ask the questions is just as handy. the night is old and i am young and sleep is the great equalibrium. until tomorrow my friends, then we can make amends and start all over and see which roads we pick that we didn't pick today.

I dont know when I've been this exhausted on a consistent day-to-day basis, but everyday i know i'm getting something done. today i got home from class, had lunch, and passed out for at least 2 hours on the sofa, i only woke up cause my cell phone was ringing. at the store i was doing a delivery...well, not really a delivery, just walking with a woman who bought a case of wine and she couldn't carry it so i just had it on a pushcart. it was funny cause she was at the store monday night when some guy robbed a bottle of wine. during the walk i explained my views about stealing from large chain/corporation stores and independant businesses, and she more or less agreed with me. anyway I'm tired and i need to shower and shave JOY!!! before i go to sleep.

btw I'm a dork. I have less hours of language lab done then i thought i had (like 4 hours less, or 2 weeks worth). so my plan this week was to start doing 3 hours a week as opposed to 2 until i thought i had a good amount done. did an hour yesterday and did all the audio/visual stuff in my workbook and quizzes for the material we've covered so far. so today i go to the lab, with really no work i need to get done, so i opted to watch a movie. i was going to rent "the motorcycle diaries" which is like a docudrama on che guevera a few years before he came into power...but litterally RIGHT as i handed my claim slip to the person working the desk someone else who was finishing it had checked it out again. i ended up renting "amores perros" which as far as my basic spanish goes translates to "loves dogs" but the subtitles said "loves a bitch", anyway, cool movie. I was planning on watching only the first hour and finishing it next week, but i just watched the whole thing which is two and a half hours, putting me at about 12 hours of lab done (I need to do 22 total I think). since friday my 2nd class has been cancelled, and I'll probably be bone tired from school and a 5 hour shift at the store tomorrow, i might consider knocking out another 3 hours of lab or so by doing whatever work i can from what we do friday morning, then getting "the motorcycle diaries" before anyone else beats me to it...ok shower time.

so close and feeling so far, but thats life, right? weekend was badass at least. need to start getting to sleep earlier. today right before we closed the store some guy stole a bottle of i assume was wine. we chased him and were unable to catch him. personally, since I'm a bit of an idealist i thought it was really funny and sad. from the brief look at the guy that i got, he seemed as if he was well within his means to buy a bottle of wine. now, I'm not saying i've ever stolen anything, I'm also not saying i haven't, but if in the situations where i hypothetically stole something, it was from a large faceless corporation. justification? no. but if the person who its ultimately going to effect is so far up the economic ladder, I'm at the least not going to lose any sleep over it. I'd never steal from a small private business though, maybe just because being able to put a face to the victim brings up some sort of guilt. I have sometimes shaky morals, but they're morals no less.

right now i wish i didn't have a heart. it would make things so much easier.

PS - i got Gorillaz tickets and thats fucking awesome.

my printer just spewed out 57 pages of reading i need to do tomorrow, I am not happy. nothing like coming home from work and cleaning the apartment to make sure it is clean for the cleaning lady coming tomorrow to clean. yeah, doesn't make all too much sense does it? working is tiring, but its rewarding. granted I have yet to physically recieve any money yet, I look forward to a pay day...I'm even excited by spending essentially none of it and getting my savings back in order, scary, huh?

so today i was thinking, the one think i MIGHT miss from being at Purchase, is the snapple apple pie drink. if you've never seen or heard of or tried this amazing creation, your life is not worth living. in the list of coolest things ever, this thing sits up top with other such historic achievements. anyway, purchase used to have TONS of this stuff, but i never saw it anywhere else. today when i was at work (yes...I have finally have a job, at a wine and liquor store no less *pause for laughs*) anyway, i went to a store to grab a quick snack to hold me over until i get home for dinner, AND WHAT DO I FIND??!?!?! SNAPPLE APPLE PIE!!!! on a somewhat related note, beverages, yesterday i read in the paper that soda is a major factor of obesity, since our diets are mainly liquid based, and soda is almost as unhealthy as a liquid you can find (thats designed to be consumed I mean). I was on the verge of going on an anti-soda kick anyway, so this is just the excuse i needed. I've done limit 1 a day stretches to some degree of success, back at one point when i was working at soundtrack I think I managed to go 2-3 months without drinking a single soda. I'm not going to be so bold as to try to declare I'm matching that record, but for now I'm going to say no more then 1 soda ever 2 days. going to try to increase my water intake, juice, and snapple apple pie at work cause that stuff is just goddam jesus hanging out in a little bottle wanting to chill where the chillest chillers are. BTW, fuck that show the real world. I dont see how this show can be called real anymore...it always consists of: closed minded jock frat guy, guy who looks like a frat guy but is really some deep artsy guy, gay guy, ethnic guy, stuck up spoiled eye candy girl, girl with deep seeded-issues (drinking, looks, didn't get a pony when she was 13), midwest girl who is just in awe of it all, and the bitch. of course, give them a big ass liquor cabinet, sit back, enjoy? so yeah WHAT?!?! I got home from work and its worth watching while eating dinner in the same way people watch car wrecks or houses burning down, its gonna suck ass, but you still gotta know just HOW bad its going to get. speaking of awful "reality" shows, i saw a commercial on FX for a show called "White. Black." where they take a white family, and a black family, enlist some make-up wizards, turn white family black, black family white, and see what they experience. now dont get me wrong, I thought "Trading Spouses" was fucking genious. firstly, thats so goddam low of things you can do to people, giving them a new psycho mom for the sake of entertaining millions, secondly, the car crash/house fire situation, I just HAD to see how bad shit would get. even for my tastes though, this concept is LOW, like WRONG LOW! I cant even properly put it into words, but I really hope somewhere out there, someone is as disturbed by this as I am, and we'll hang out and bake cookies.